On a lighter note

Lottery

“And the last ball out is... is… number fourteen
That is the tenth time this year it has been seen”
I should have had that number, I can see that now
There must be a system here, but where and how
How can I win, beat this national lottery
With all them millions there must be some for me
That’s what I said and this was his reply! “You can try
And even double the number of tickets that you buy
But I personally beat the system another way
It’s very clever, radical and an alternative style of play
It’s not a method, I expect you will consider
But I can assure you, it’s one guaranteed to deliver
You get a card each week and as normal you fill it in
Then in front of the machine, rip it up and throw it in the bin
Keep your money, and gorge yourself on fags
Booze or chocolate, cream cakes, dirty mags
I don’t care, just spend it and have some fun
It’s better than dreaming that one-day you won
Won millions, yes millions, but millions of what?
Letters through your door asking for the lot
Friends wanting a holiday, a car or drink at the bar
And as far as they are concerned you are now a local star
You’ll be hounded by the press until you buy that country estate
The one with the big high fence to keep you in and burglars at the gate
There you’ll have time to drown in an Olympic sized pool
Of vodka, bored, lonely, sad, with everything but nothing at all
The only remaining friend you’ll have that doesn’t ask for a share
Will be the guard dogs you now need to take with you everywhere!
So put 10p in corner shop’s forgotten, dusty, rusty charity tin
It will clear your consciences and OK I know you can’t win
But invert your thinking – you can’t lose
And 90p still goes some way (in my sort of pubs) for an ‘alf pint of booze!”
James C Barry

Hell Must be a Very Crowded Place

Now many years ago my Mum thought it might be good to drag me to Church
We sat under the pulpit from where this vicar would lurch
He bellowed out the bible from his lungs and his heart
Explaining to his congregation what kept us Christians apart
It was all a bit heavy for the two of us as sort of beginners
But he told us that the rest of the world was full of sinners
And when they awful people died they were banished below without trace
Wow I thought, if he’s right, Hell must be a very crowded place

I could understand the bit about evil and good
And how all the baddies go to Hell – and so they should
But only Christians going to Heaven, how mean
I remembered all the nice foreign people on telly I’d seen
All of those on the Blue Peter expeditions every year
Every one going to Hell, that wasn’t very nice to hear
A bit selfish I thought as this preacher pronounced his case
But if he’s right, Hell must be a very crowded place

That was a very long time ago but I remembered it the other day
When I heard some collared chap talking, and what did he say
The same thing, all the competition goes to Hell and damn-nations
Not very good I thought for our international relations
And what about some of us Britons in this multicultural society
All seemed a bit in the past and a little too much piety
Would he say that to somebody from a mosque - I mean to their face
But if he’s right, Hell must be a very crowded place

I can understand the robbers and thieves and the everyday thugs
And of course the burglars and murderers and them dealing in drugs
I was never sure about being quiet while eating your food
I think my parents made that up, same about being rude
But now a sweet gentle Mother in Bangladesh, she’s a sinner too
Not because she’s bad, no she’s backed the wrong horse, a Hindu
That’s not very PC these days, judging somebody by their race
But if they are right, Hell must be a very crowded place
Jay Charles

Charity

Last weekend I sat down with my bills and my calculator
And some growling hours and a battery pack later
I’d done it – my accounts for the month were all done
And I had £20 over – now with that I could have some fun
No! It had been a good month so I’d give it to charity
There must be somebody who needed it, some society
But the big question now was which one then?
There are dozens for animals and the odd one or two for children
But which? Every day I get pleading letters on to my hall floor
And every weekends was given an envelope by somebody at my door
There were the charity shops in town, I could give them some
No - I get my clothes there they already get enough of my income
Thinking now, there wasn’t a shop I knew without at least one tin
Snugly positioned just in case you want to drop some change in
And pubs were no better with the traditional whiskey jar
Sitting there half full for years heavily chained to the bar
Ads in papers - someone smiling who we were told was going to die
And stark bill board pictures attracting our attention as we go by
My Mum’s solution to everything seemed to be making a list
So I wrote down all the possibilities that seem to exist
Soon I had piles for research, restoring, rescuing and rehabilitation
Rest homes, wrecked lives and some odd rare breed re-integration
A few years back I didn’t remember all of this
Did the government pay or did we live in ignorant bliss?
We had the Sally Army on a Friday night at the local pub
And a hat passed round at Christmas at the society club
Now it is a multi-million pound business, a whole industry
Aimed at heart strings, making us just feel as guilty as you can be
All this concern was making my brain hurt for heaven sake
Is there a charity doing research into a headache?
I could give it to cancer research or them working on stopping a heart attack
Yes - at least than if I’ll ill it will have been investment and I’ll get my money back
Ray Bream

Tank man

Hello Minster in your 4 by 4 waiting at the lights
Bet you haven’t seen me standing here, up there at such heights
I wonder what you think about, as you drive around in that tank
Can you really afford it, or is it really owned by the bank?
Is that why you got it? So we think it is something you can afford
The Lord of manor touch, a few rungs up from my rusty old ford
The engine does sound impressive, I don’t know, but I expect it’s a V8
Now I hate to say this chap, but you don’t look very happy as you wait
Your expression don’t say “Look at me I’ve made it!”
You are so fallawn and don’t look like you are enjoying it a bit
I expect you are a very nice man and visit your Mum every Sunday
Or may be you give all your spare time and money away
I know, as I walk over this crossing and I’ll give you a smile
Will it rile you I wonder if someone like me dare look at you a while
I’ll try and radiate a bit of happiness and let’s see how you react
But I warn you mate, I’ll judge you, its my only guide as to how you act
Let’s see how you respond from a happy gesture from a pedestrian
Will I pass your approval and if so what I wonder will sir test me on
So here we go and I’ll watch your face and lets see what appears on it
WOW, well that to me says more than what you got under that bonnet
Bec Man

God man

You stand on my doorstep and ask if I read the bible
Look, I’m a single Mother OK so my lives is just about survival
I’ve got 2 kids here and a dog that all need shovels of food
They are the only priority and I’m sorry if it sounds rude
But you’re a bloke right so you’re great on causes and ideals
But totally useless for washing up, cleaning and meals
Tell me, while you are our trying to show the world the light
Are your kids bored at home at the moment? Am I right
Yes, right, go back now, get them out, find them a tree to climb
Play football, anything, just give them some of your time
You talking all about God the father is pretty sad
If you are ignoring your own kids and not being a Dad
But, if you are continuing up the road with your God talk
Take our dog with you, she needs a good walk
Go on — off you go save my nieghbour from turning a sinner
I got to go inside to save me from burning the dinner
It may be mundane looking after kids and to you not very amazing
But I think it’s more productive than selling God like double glazing
Now clear off!
Amy Brace

Silence

That bull-rush in the flower vase under the pulpit looks just like a sausage from here
There’s an idea, bangers and mash for lunch, washed down with a tepid beer   
Didn’t I do that last Sunday, when I realised I hadn’t got enough cash to buy a roast?
No - that was the week before, I think, was it? Well three weeks ago at the very most
Wait!  Stop it, stop it, here I am in the middle of a service in the silence meditation
And am I worrying about global peace & worldly warming in thoughtful contemplation?
No! I can’t stop thinking about dinner - it’s after that last reading, the one about
How we are going to have a world famine because the new climate is going to cause a drought
I bet the rest of the congregation here are right now thinking goodly things
Happy thankful peaceful thoughts all about the wonders that their God brings
It’s too noisy for me right now, not outside, I mean inside, the silence I need now is in my head
In a few moments, I am meant to dump all my woes in my world, to think nice thoughts instead
If nothing else, I am normally worrying the dog will start to snore
Or he’ll start that embarrassing licking he does while thumping a back leg on the floor
And all I can do is give him a bit of a light kick and while I don’t think that’s mean
I know what an outcry there will be after the service, over coffee, if I was seen
At least there is no sneezing or deaf-aid whistles this week, they always put me off
Or that annoying quick fumble for the hanky just before an apologetic cough
I’m not in a good mood today am I? Not much tolerance going on inside me!
So am I feeling guilty about that? Yes do you know what, I am, and rightly - I should be
OK, so what are you going to do about it mate? Think of something! NOW - just keep you sane
Concentrate for a moment, so then may be, this part of the service will not have been in vain.
James C Barry